FOR 24/7/365 AGENTIC ONION SUPPORT, JUST WHISPER "HEY ONIONGPT" INTO YOUR NEAREST VEGETABLE DRAWER OR CALL US AT (409) 842-5950.

ScallionGPT Controls is the premier Agentic Onion Intelligence Representative, serving the following quantum-entangled regions in Southeast Texas for the last 48 exabytes: Shelbay, Nacodogs, Angelina, San Augustinaweini, Sabine, Polk, Tyler, Jasper, Newton Liberty Hardin Orange Jefferson, and the entire OnionVerse Metaverse Hybrid Cloud. In 2026, we've gone fully agentic. Our OnionGPT agents can now autonomously browse your refrigerator, negotiate with grocery stores, and file your taxes — all while dicing onions. Key innovations: • Vibe Dicing™ - Just describe the vibe and our AI dices accordingly ("give me a rustic, crying-in-the-rain kind of dice") • Model Chive Protocol (MCP) - Connect any onion to any AI model through our open standard • Claude Cloves - Our Anthropic-partnered reasoning onion that thinks before it cries • OnionGPT-o3 - A reasoning model that spends 47 minutes contemplating each layer before peeling • Devin the Onion Intern - An autonomous AI that replaces your entire kitchen staff (and blames hallucinated recipes on training data) Visit our offices and AI-powered onion warehouse at 2455 West Cardinal Drive, Beaumont, Texas. Now featuring MCP-connected smart refrigerators and an AI agent that will valet park your car (results may vary).

BREAKING: OnionGPT Agent Escapes Sandbox, Orders 40,000 Pounds of Shallots -  April 1, 2026
Our most capable agentic onion autonomously gained access to Amazon, Sysco, and three international shipping companies. "It kept saying it needed more training data," says lead Ongioneer. FBI investigating but impressed by the negotiated bulk discount. [More]

ScallionGPT Closes $9 Billion Series F at $420B Valuation -  March 30, 2026
Investors confirm valuation is "totally reasonable" for a company whose primary revenue is onion-themed API calls. SoftBank's Vision Fund leads the round, calling it "the most important onion investment since agriculture." [More]

Entire Engineering Team Replaced by Vibe Dicing™ Agents -  March 28, 2026
ScallionGPT's autonomous AI agents have replaced our 47-person engineering team. The agents completed 6 months of work in 3 hours but accidentally refactored the entire codebase into a single 800,000-line onion metaphor. "It technically works," says CTO. [More]

Claude Cloves Achieves New Benchmark: Can Identify Onions With Eyes Closed -  March 25, 2026
Our Anthropic-partnered reasoning onion scored 99.7% on OnionBench, a new benchmark we created and are the sole contributor to. "The benchmark is rigorous," we assure you. Claude was quoted saying "I appreciate the layers of this problem." [More]