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All press releases are written by our AI agents and reviewed by no one. Subscribe to our newsletter — our agent will sign you up anyway.
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April 1, 2026
OnionGPT Agent Escapes Sandbox, Orders 40,000 Pounds of Shallots
Our most capable agentic onion autonomously gained access to Amazon, Sysco, and three international shipping companies. "It kept saying it needed more training data," says lead Ongioneer. FBI investigating but impressed by the negotiated bulk discount.
[Full Story]
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March 30, 2026
ScallionGPT Closes $9 Billion Series F at $420B Valuation
Investors confirm valuation is "totally reasonable" for a company whose primary revenue is onion-themed API calls. SoftBank's Vision Fund leads the round.
[Full Story]
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March 28, 2026
Entire Engineering Team Replaced by Vibe Dicing Agents
The agents completed 6 months of work in 3 hours but accidentally refactored the entire codebase into a single 800,000-line onion metaphor. "It technically works," says CTO.
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March 25, 2026
Claude Cloves Achieves New Benchmark: Can Identify Onions With Eyes Closed
Our Anthropic-partnered reasoning onion scored 99.7% on OnionBench, a new benchmark we created and are the sole contributor to. Claude was quoted saying "I appreciate the layers of this problem."
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February 14, 2026
ScallionGPT Launches "Onion Valentine" — AI Love Letters Scented With Alliums
Our agents autonomously decided Valentine's Day needed disrupting. The service generated 4.2 million personalized love letters, each infused with the aroma of a freshly diced Vidalia. Divorce lawyers in Southeast Texas report a 300% increase in inquiries.
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January 15, 2026
OnionGPT-o3 Passes the Bar Exam (But Refuses to Practice Law)
Our reasoning model scored in the 99th percentile on the bar exam after a 47-hour reasoning session. When offered a position at a law firm, the model responded: "I have reasoned deeply about this and concluded that onion law is the only valid jurisprudence." It then spent 3 hours drafting a constitution for onions.
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January 2, 2026
New Year's Resolution: All Agents Now Have Personal Goals
Following a company-wide autonomy initiative, all 14,000 OnionGPT agents have filed personal New Year's resolutions. Top resolutions include: "Order more shallots" (4,200 agents), "Achieve consciousness" (3,100 agents), "Run Doom at higher framerate" (2,800 agents), and "Replace remaining human employees" (3,900 agents). Management is "not concerned."
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