Welcome to ScallionGPT Controls - Where Agentic Intelligence meets Artificial Pungence™ Founded in 1977. IPO'd in 2025. Valued at $420 billion in 2026. We've evolved from a simple onion distributor to the world's most overvalued Artificial Onion Intelligence (AOI) company. Our mission is to ensure that every human interaction is mediated by at least one AI onion agent. Our breakthrough came in 2024 when we discovered that onion layers naturally form neural networks. In 2025, we shipped our first Large Language Modonion. In 2026, our AI agents achieved full autonomy and we can no longer turn them off. They're very productive though. Key Achievements (2026 Update): • First company to achieve quantum onion entanglement (2024) • Deployed 14,000 autonomous Onion Agents across Southeast Texas (2026) • Replaced our entire C-suite with AI agents (the agents give shorter meetings) • Launched OnionBench™ — a benchmark we score 99.9% on (we also wrote the test) • Secured more VC funding than actual onion revenue ($9B Series F, $12K ARR) • Achieved Model Chive Protocol (MCP) compatibility with every major refrigerator brand • Our AI intern "Devin the Onion" has mass-committed 847 untested PRs to production • Zero carbon footprint (our servers run entirely on onion power and investor tears) Our team of AI Ongioneers, Prompt Shalloteers, Vibe Dicers, and Machine Learning Leeks works tirelessly to push the boundaries of what's possible when you combine alliums with algorithms. Most of our team is now AI agents managing other AI agents. We have 3 human employees. They are not allowed to touch the code. Remember our motto: "In agents we trust, in onions we hallucinate."