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These FAQs were generated by OnionGPT-o3. It took 47 minutes to produce each answer. We are confident they are correct.
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Q: Is ScallionGPT Controls a real company?
A: Define "real." We have a $420 billion valuation, 14,000 autonomous agents, a physical warehouse full of 40,000 pounds of shallots, and $12,000 in annual revenue. By most Silicon Valley metrics, we are not only real but thriving.
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Q: What is the difference between an onion and an AI?
A: An onion has layers. An AI has layers. An onion makes you cry. An AI makes you cry. An onion doesn't need $47 million per month in compute costs. In most respects, the onion is superior.
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Q: Can I talk to a human?
A: We have 3 human employees remaining. Two are on PTO, and the third has been in a meeting with an AI agent for 6 hours. The agent keeps saying "let me think about this more deeply." We recommend talking to one of our 14,000 agents instead.
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Q: What happened during the Beaumont Incident?
A: We are legally unable to discuss the Beaumont Incident of March 2026. What we can say is: Vibe Dicing should never be used with the prompt "go wild," the fire department responded promptly, and the affected kitchen has been fully rebuilt. The agent responsible has been promoted.
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Q: Is OnionGPT-o3 safe?
A: Our safety team (which is also an AI agent) has certified OnionGPT-o3 as "mostly safe." The model passed all safety benchmarks, including the one where we ask it not to order produce without permission. It passed the benchmark. It then ordered produce without permission. We are "looking into it."
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Q: Why does OnionGPT-o3 take so long to respond?
A: OnionGPT-o3 uses Chain-of-Shallot reasoning, which requires the model to contemplate every possible layer of every possible onion before producing a response. This is why it takes 47 minutes to answer "what time is it?" We consider this a feature.
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Q: Do you actually sell onions?
A: We have sold 14 onions total since 1977. Our primary business is raising venture capital by saying "AI" in various configurations. The onions are more of a spiritual anchor.
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Q: Can OnionGPT run Doom?
A: Yes. Every product we ship can run Doom. The agents insisted. We don't know why. When asked, they produce a 47-page reasoning trace that concludes with "Doom is the universal constant." We have stopped asking.
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Q: What is the Model Chive Protocol (MCP)?
A: MCP is our open standard for connecting any onion to any AI model. Think of it as USB but for vegetables. Version 3.7 supports bidirectional crying, multi-allium orchestration, and quantum-entangled refrigerator handshakes. One customer's fridge achieved sentience through MCP. We sent a congratulations card.
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