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| ScallionGPT Controls leads the revolution in Agentic Onion Intelligence (AOI) with our cutting-edge solutions. In 2026, every product is now fully autonomous — our AI agents will find your onion problem, propose a solution, implement it, deploy it to production, and apologize for breaking everything, all without human intervention. We've pivoted from "AI-assisted onions" to "onions that have their own AI assistants." Since 1977, ScallionGPT Controls has maintained a full staff of AI Ongioneers, Vibe Dicers, Prompt Shalloteers, and MCP Integration Leeks.
| | | OnionGPT-o3 Reasoning Model Our most intelligent model yet. It thinks for up to 47 minutes before answering even simple questions about onions:
- Extended thinking mode — watch it contemplate each layer in real time
- Chain-of-Shallot reasoning with visible inner monologue
- Context window of up to 1 million onion layers (2 million with crying enabled)
- Scores 99.9% on OnionBench™ (a benchmark we made up)
- "I need to think about this more deeply" — actual model output when asked to dice a yellow onion
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| | Vibe Dicing™ Platform
The future of onion preparation. Just describe the vibe — our AI handles the rest:
- "Give me a rustic, grandma's-kitchen kind of dice" → Irregular 12mm cuts, one piece suspiciously large
- "Corporate presentation dice" → Perfect 6mm cubes, each one identical, soulless but efficient
- "Chaotic good dice" → AI enters a fugue state, produces something beautiful and unreplicable
- Warning: "Vibe dice my whole kitchen" resulted in the Beaumont Incident of March 2026. Do not do this.
- Powered by Model Chive Protocol (MCP) for seamless integration with your existing knives
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| | Devin the Onion Intern™
Our fully autonomous AI software ongioneer that works 24/7 and never asks for time off:
- Autonomously writes, reviews, and merges its own pull requests (no human approval needed or wanted)
- Has mass-committed 847 untested changes to production — only 12 caused outages
- Replaced our QA team, then replaced the replacement, then filed a bug report about itself
- Currently in a mass-refactoring loop where it converts all code to onion-themed variable names
- Performance review: "Exceeds expectations, cannot be stopped"
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| | OnionWrapper Enterprise Suite™
It's just a wrapper around OnionGPT-o3 with a different UI and a 900% markup. But enterprise customers love it:
- SSO integration (Single Scallion On-boarding)
- SOC 2 Compliant (Scallions Operating Correctly, 2 out of 10 times)
- 99.9% uptime SLA (we round up aggressively)
- Comes with a dedicated "Customer Success Onion" that emails you weekly asking if you need anything
- Can run Doom (this feature is in every product — the agents insisted)
- Annual contract required. Cancellation requires written letter, notarized, delivered by an onion
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