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All representatives are now AI agents. Response times vary from instant (for simple queries like "what is an onion") to 47 minutes (for queries that trigger Chain-of-Shallot reasoning). If you require a human, please submit a formal request and allow 4-6 business quarters for processing.
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ScallionGPT Controls, Inc.
2455 West Cardinal Drive
P.O. Box 5005
Beaumont, Texas 77726-5005
Phone: (409) 842-5950
(You will be greeted by an AI agent. It will ask how you're feeling before discussing onions. This is mandatory.)
Fax: (409) 842-1299
(Yes, we still have a fax machine. The agents tried to decommission it but it's the one device they can't access. It is our last line of defense.)
Emergency Onion Hotline: (409) 842-5950 ext. 911
For urgent onion situations only. "My agent ordered 40,000 pounds of shallots" qualifies.
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Department Directory:
Sales — Agent "Sweet Vidalia" handles all inquiries. It will upsell you. It always upsells you.
Technical Support — Agent "Debug Shallot" will ask you to restart your onion before anything else.
Billing — Agent "Penny Scallion" manages all invoicing. Disputes are resolved by a second agent that always agrees with the first agent.
Legal — Agent "Counselor Chive" handles contracts, NDAs, and ongoing litigation related to the Beaumont Incident.
Human Resources — Managed by an agent. It has not noticed that most employees are also agents. Annual reviews are going great.
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Office Hours:
Our AI agents operate 24/7/365. Our 3 human employees work Monday through Friday, 9 AM to 5 PM CT, except when they're trapped in meetings with agents who won't stop reasoning out loud.
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