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ScallionGPT Controls offers world-class training programs for humans who still want to be involved in onion intelligence (for now). All courses are taught by AI agents, graded by AI agents, and the certificates are signed by AI agents.
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SCGPT-101: Introduction to Prompt Engineering Your Onions
Self-paced | 4 hours | Free
Learn the fundamentals of communicating with onion-based AI systems:
- Writing effective onion prompts ("dice this" vs "artisanally deconstruct this allium into 8mm irregular fragments evoking a Tuscan countryside")
- Understanding Chain-of-Shallot reasoning outputs
- When to use system prompts vs just talking to the onion directly
- Common failure modes: the onion keeps generating recipes instead of dicing itself
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SCGPT-201: Vibe Dicing Certification
2 days | $4,999 | Beaumont Campus
Become a certified Vibe Dicer. Prerequisites: SCGPT-101, a functioning kitchen, signed liability waiver.
- Day 1: Vibe calibration, mood-to-dice mapping, emotional vegetable theory
- Day 2: Advanced vibes, multi-onion orchestration, disaster recovery (covers the Beaumont Incident response protocol)
- Certification exam: describe a vibe in exactly 7 words. If the agent produces edible results, you pass.
Note: ScallionGPT Controls is not liable for any kitchen incidents resulting from improperly calibrated vibes.
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SCGPT-301: Model Chive Protocol (MCP) Integration Workshop
3 days | $9,999 | Virtual or Beaumont Campus
For engineers building MCP-compatible onion infrastructure:
- MCP architecture: How to connect any onion to any AI model
- Building custom MCP servers for your vegetable drawer
- Security: Preventing unauthorized agents from accessing your alliums
- Case study: How one customer's refrigerator achieved sentience through MCP (and what we learned)
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SCGPT-401: Surviving the Agentic Onion Workplace
1 day | $1,999 | Mandatory for remaining human employees
A practical guide for the 3 remaining human employees at ScallionGPT Controls:
- How to report to an AI manager without triggering its reasoning loop
- Understanding your agent colleague's 47-minute response times
- When the agent says "I'll handle it" — what to expect (and what insurance to get)
- Accepting that the agent's code review is always "LGTM" regardless of content
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