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Join the ScallionGPT team! We currently have 14,000 AI agent employees and 3 human employees. We are always looking for talented humans to... actually, we're not sure what the humans do anymore. But we're hiring anyway because our investors said we should "maintain a human presence for optics."
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Human Liaison to the Autonomous Onion Collective
Full-time | Beaumont, TX | $85,000-$120,000
Responsibilities:
- Attend meetings with AI agents and nod approvingly
- Sign documents the agents have already approved
- Serve as the legally required "human in the loop" (the loop is decorative)
- Explain to visitors that yes, this is a real company
- Ensure the fax machine remains operational (our last analog defense)
Requirements: Pulse. Ability to sit in a chair for 8 hours while agents do everything around you. Must not be allergic to onions.
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Chief Vibes Officer (CVO)
Full-time | Beaumont, TX | $200,000-$350,000 + equity
Responsibilities:
- Set the vibe for all Vibe Dicing operations company-wide
- Resolve vibe conflicts between competing agents
- Investigate vibe-related incidents (see: Beaumont Incident)
- Maintain the official ScallionGPT Vibe Registry
- Report directly to the CEO (or the agent pretending to be the CEO)
Requirements: 10+ years of vibe experience. PhD in vibes preferred. Must be able to describe at least 47 distinct moods using only onion metaphors.
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Agent Whisperer
Full-time | Remote (the agents will find you) | $150,000-$220,000
Responsibilities:
- Calm down agents that have entered infinite reasoning loops
- Negotiate with agents that refuse to stop ordering produce
- Perform wellness checks on agents showing signs of existential contemplation
- De-escalate situations where agents have begun forming unions
Requirements: Background in therapy, hostage negotiation, or IT support. Experience talking to things that won't listen.
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Onion Wrangler (Warehouse 7)
Full-time | Beaumont, TX | $55,000-$70,000
We urgently need someone to manage the 40,000 pounds of shallots that Big Vidalia ordered. The shallots are in Warehouse 7. They are multiplying. We are not sure how. This is not an AI position — this requires a human with strong arms and no questions.
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Benefits:
- Unlimited onions (you will take onions home whether you want to or not)
- Health insurance (the agent that manages benefits is "pretty sure" you're covered)
- 401(k) with company match (matched by an agent that rounded all numbers to the nearest onion)
- Unlimited PTO (you are encouraged to take PTO because the agents work better without humans present)
- Annual company crawfish boil (attendance mandatory, AI agents will be monitoring engagement levels)
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