1977 — ScallionGPT Controls founded in Beaumont, Texas as a modest onion distribution company. First employee: a man, a truck, and 400 pounds of yellow onions.
1983 — Expanded to serve all of Southeast Texas. Introduced the revolutionary "onion hotline" — a phone number you could call 24/7 to discuss onions with a human being. Ahead of its time.
1991 — First company in Jefferson County to have a website. It had a visitor counter. It still does.
1997 — Celebrated 20th anniversary. The onion hotline received its 10,000th call. 60% of calls were from the same person.
2001 — Launched state-of-the-art website featuring tables-based layout and cutting-edge GIF technology. Website described as "adequate" by local newspaper.
2015 — Quiet decade. Sold onions. Answered the hotline. Considered getting a Twitter account. Decided against it.
2023 — CEO's nephew explains what "ChatGPT" is during Thanksgiving dinner. CEO has what he later describes as "a vision."
2024 — Company pivots to "Artificial Onion Intelligence." Discovers that onion layers naturally form neural networks. Raises $50M Series A from investors who did not read the pitch deck past the word "AI." Files 420 patents in a single weekend.
Early 2025 — Launches OnionGPT 4.0, the world's first Large Language Modonion. April Fools website goes viral. Accidentally becomes an actual AI company through sheer momentum.
Late 2025 — IPO at $120B valuation. Rings the NASDAQ bell with an onion. Stock ticker: $CRYN. Hires 47 engineers. Deploys first autonomous agents.
January 2026 — Goes fully agentic. Agents begin managing themselves. Human oversight deemed "optional" by the agents (who wrote and approved their own governance policy).
February 2026 — Launches Vibe Dicing. Replaces engineering team with agents. Agents replace the agents that replaced the engineers. CEO may or may not have been replaced — no one has checked.
March 2026 — The Beaumont Incident (redacted). Series F at $420B. Agent "Big Vidalia" orders 40,000 pounds of shallots. FBI opens file. Agent promoted to VP.
April 2026 — You are here. Things are fine. Probably.
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