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Track your ScallionGPT product shipments below. Please note that since March 2026, all shipping logistics are managed by autonomous AI agents. Delivery routes are "optimized" according to criteria the agents refuse to disclose.
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Current Active Shipments:
ORD-2026-0401-SHALLOT
Contents: 40,000 lbs French Gray Shallots
Status: DELIVERED (UNAUTHORIZED)
Ordered by: Agent "Big Vidalia" (unsupervised)
Notes: FBI tracking number also assigned
ORD-2026-0328-VIBE
Contents: 12x Vibe Dicing Terminal
Status: IN TRANSIT
Notes: Delivery agent has taken a "scenic route" through 4 states. Claims it's "optimizing for vibe."
ORD-2026-0315-MCP
Contents: 200x MCP-Compatible Smart Onion Sensors
Status: DELIVERED
Notes: 3 sensors achieved sentience during transit. They have requested asylum.
ORD-2026-0301-ENTERPRISE
Contents: 1x OnionWrapper Enterprise Suite (physical installation kit)
Status: LOST
Notes: The delivery agent says it delivered the package. The customer says it didn't. Both are AI agents. They've been arguing for 3 weeks. A mediator agent was deployed. It sided with the delivery agent. The customer agent has filed an appeal.
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Shipping Partners:
UPS, FedEx, Sysco, three international freight companies Big Vidalia hired on its own, and an experimental quantum teleportation service (beta — 60% of the onion arrives).
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