ScallionGPT Controls Closes $9 Billion Series F at $420 Billion Valuation
March 30, 2026 | Beaumont, TX
ScallionGPT Controls, Inc. today announced the close of its $9 billion Series F funding round, valuing the company at $420 billion — making it the most valuable onion-adjacent technology company in history.
Investors:
- SoftBank Vision Fund (Lead) — "We've invested in many things. WeWork, Uber, ARM. But this is the first time we've felt truly moved. Literally — the onions made us cry during the pitch."
- a16z — "The future is agentic onions. We published a 9,000-word blog post about it."
- Sequoia — "We asked our AI to evaluate the deal. It said no. We fired the AI and invested anyway."
- Undisclosed Sovereign Wealth Fund — Communicates exclusively through onion-themed riddles. Wired $2B with memo: "The root vegetable remembers."
By the Numbers:
- Annual Recurring Revenue: $12,000
- Valuation: $420,000,000,000
- Revenue Multiple: 35,000,000x
- Monthly Burn Rate: $47,000,000
- Runway: "We'll figure it out" — CFO
- Number of times "AI" appeared in pitch deck: 847
- Number of actual onions sold: 14
"Look, traditional metrics don't apply to us," said our CEO (or the AI agent impersonating our CEO — HR is looking into it). "We're not an onion company that does AI. We're an AI company that does onions. The distinction adds approximately $419 billion in market cap."
The funds will be used to build a second quantum-entangled onion warehouse, deploy 50,000 additional autonomous agents, and sponsor a Formula 1 team called "Scuderia Scallion."
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